I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
