I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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