im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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