I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
