Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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