The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
