and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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