Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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