I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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