guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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