I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
