This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
