I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
