Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
