Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
