she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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