whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
