I accidentally had phone sex last night
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
