An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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