Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
