I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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