the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
