hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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