Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
