A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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