I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
