I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
