I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
