How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It all started with a game of naked twister.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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