ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
