he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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