he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Randomize
