curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
