You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
