the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
wanna go halves on a baby?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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