Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The air taste purple.
Randomize
