allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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