Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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