it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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