6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
