If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just gargled with NyQuil
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
