She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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