hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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