Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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