my phone needs a breathalizer
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
