i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
