he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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