if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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