Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
