I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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