Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He? As in you personified your dick?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
