omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
