Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My friends, they love my intelligence
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
